He Went Soft… Now What? The Real Talk on ED, Shame & Intimacy After 40

Speaker A: 00:01:08

Hey, hey, hey. We are back with Menopause Love Lounge. We have your fabulous ladies here with us today. We are kind of missing one today.

You may notice the beautiful Karen Fiesta is missing from us today. But she is off doing something. Well, doing very fun. So we are going to pick up the slack today. We're going to take over for her.

So you won't even miss a beat. We will miss her, but not a beat. All right, you guys, today we're talking about a very interesting topic. Because it happens for us. Not to us. To us.

Not for us. Am I saying that right?

Speaker B: 00:01:44

I don't know.

Speaker C: 00:01:48

In our vicinity.

Speaker A: 00:01:50

It happens in our vicinity. And, yes, we are talking about menopause and the hard truth about when men go soft. Oh.

So, okay, so what happens when the man you love can't get it up? Or it just won't. It's not his fault. It just won't.

So many midlife couples everywhere are quietly struggling from erectile dysfunction, yet no one's really talking about it. It's another one of those shame things, I think. And we don't talk about how it impacts her.

So from shame and silence to creative reconnection, this episode of Menopause Love Lounge, we are going to dive into what ED means for emotional and sexual intimacy after 40 and how women can respond with compassion, honesty, yet having power still. Do we like this? We like this.

Speaker C: 00:02:40

We like.

Speaker D: 00:02:41

Important topic. Yes.

Speaker A: 00:02:43

This is such an important topic.

And I really hope that men will tune into this one to kind of listen to how it does affect us during our intimate times and what they could do to kind of soften the blow and what we can also do to help them on that side. So that's the point of this whole episode. So we're, of course, going to give our personal reflections on this.

We're going to give our personal, real thought stories on what happens inside the relationship when erections start disappearing from the room. We are also going to do our stats.

Juni is stepping in today in Karen's absence to talk about these stats out there in the real world and what's going on. And of course, we're going to do our Legs Wide Open segment, which today is Bedroom Innovation game. That's all I'm going to say on that.

We'll get to it soon. All right, guys, let's start out. Let's talk about your own relationship and how Ed comes up for you or doesn't.

We're going to be hitting this all day. All day, guys. All the double entendre we got all of it. Dawn, why don't you start us out?

Tell us what's going on, if you've experienced this, what you do to get through this. Yeah. Wow.

Speaker B: 00:03:55

So I've experienced it definitely personally in a handful of relationships and then also professionally, obviously I've worked with a lot of couples and so it just their experiences of it and working through it. It is such a sensitive subject. And so I've experienced it personally, I mean, I guess in both realms, right. As like a performance issue.

Like feelings of needing to be good enough and needing to be able to perform.

I've also experienced it as a relationship issue, Meaning there was actually somebody I was dating post divorce, and it just started to become very, very dysfunctional. And I think a woman's fear is often like, he's not that into me. And that was what was actually happening in that relationship. He wasn't that into me.

He had started reconnecting with his ex wife and like, that was a very real thing. So that's very separate from it being a performance issue.

Speaker E: 00:04:48

Right.

Speaker B: 00:04:48

That was a very much a relationship issue.

And then I've also experienced it as like a health and wellness issue in terms of just like pure exhaustion or depletion or, you know, circulatory issues or whatever. So I think it can be multifaceted.

And I'm sure that men have experienced it as all of those things at some point in their life, these unique challenges.

And I wish there was a world where we could just like be cool and talk about it, because the problem isn't, you know, what the poor penis is doing or not doing. The problem is the not being vulnerable or honest or open or connected about it or just saying the thing.

Speaker A: 00:05:26

Right.

Speaker B: 00:05:27

And so I think it's super reasonable.

Speaker E: 00:05:29

For men to not be able to.

Speaker B: 00:05:30

Perform all the time. Like, that's super reasonable. The problem becomes when we start to tell ourselves stories about it, you know.

So I think that when there's low self esteem or low honesty, this is a very, very stressful experience.

I think that if a person or a couple has a decent sense of self or the relationship has a reasonably strong foundation, it's not so hard to work through.

So I think if this is a chronic issue that comes up in your relationship, you gotta check with yourself, like, is my relationship really that healthy? Am I that healthy?

Speaker E: 00:06:04

Is my partner that healthy?

Speaker B: 00:06:05

Because something needs some rehabilitation and it's probably not just circulation.

Speaker E: 00:06:11

Right?

Speaker C: 00:06:13

So well said.

Speaker A: 00:06:14

Yeah.

Speaker C: 00:06:14

Although I want to check in on the word, the word performance, because to me, that Word performance is. We all have these unfair standards.

And we normally talk about the unfair standards for women, but today we're talking kind of about a really unfair standard for men. And I wonder if that word performance should just. We should try to phase it out, because I think about sexual intimacy between couples as play. Right?

Like as, let's play with pleasure. Let's play with my experience.

Your experience, giving to each other, receiving from each other, where maybe performance has nothing to do with anything for any of us. And wouldn't that be nice?

Speaker B: 00:06:52

I wouldn't want to phase it out completely. Not completely, I think.

Speaker C: 00:06:56

Argue your point, please.

Speaker B: 00:06:58

Yeah, well, I think there's just nuance and context and it matters, Right? And for some people, performance is part of their way of relating to the world. Like there is literally.

Speaker E: 00:07:12

Right.

Speaker B: 00:07:12

Some personalities are just more performative, like, literally actors and actresses, whoever. Right? Like, so I don't think we could phase it out across the board.

I do think it's so valuable, your point, to say, like, oh, okay, let's make it more about connection, play exploration, creativity, like all those things. Like, yeah, let's bring all that into it.

So it's not solely performative, but for some people, there is going to be that performance aspect that is the play. You know what I mean?

Speaker C: 00:07:38

Like, sure, great point.

Speaker A: 00:07:40

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker C: 00:07:41

No, for. No further questions.

Speaker B: 00:07:44

You forgot.

Speaker A: 00:07:45

Your honor.

Speaker C: 00:07:46

Your honor.

Speaker A: 00:07:50

Well, that was really well said, Don and I. I agree with what you said at one point about, like, why should we always be expecting them to be able to perform, if you will, because they've got things going on in our head. We had our whole discussion previously about the big O and how hard it is for us at times because our. Our minds are elsewhere.

We're constantly thinking of other things. And if we think of so easily, because this happens often, where the guy will say to me, okay, I'm just thinking of my grandmother.

I'm thinking of like, you know, something. Baseball.

Speaker D: 00:08:23

Baseball.

Speaker C: 00:08:24

Football. Baseball, exactly.

Speaker A: 00:08:26

In order to lose their erection. So how quickly their mind can change that and overcome that.

Why would we think it would be any different when they're just doing a normal performance? Right? So I think that can be really tricky. Lori, I think you have a lot to say today. What do you want to say?

Speaker C: 00:08:41

Well, I was actually going to make that same point.

When I think about all the mechanics and emotional and psychological factors that go into us having an orgasm, why would we expect any different for any human being and their quote unquote, performance? I don't have a lot of experience with this in my modern day.

But I can think back to my younger days and having had that experience, I'll add a few more ideas to the list of what could be causing this. For example, alcohol. That was one that I recall.

You know, a lot of people are still drinking that stuff, you know, and then wondering why it's not that great, which is why I think morning sex, you know, you can have it all. But I do, and I. Sometimes I. Sometimes I do think it's. It's obvious reasons. And then, you know, I also wonder about.

Because when I was growing up, you. It was much less socially acceptable to be gay, right? It was much less.

You know, so I think there's gotta be a lot of us in midlife who had experiences with boys we wish liked us, and they really didn't, and that's really okay. And to Dawn's point, like, sometimes it is about us, probably usually not, because it's mortifying for a man to not be able to get hard.

It's like the worst thing that can happen to him. And that's what I really want to emphasize is, like, this is the worst thing that can happen. If he could fix it, he would.

If he could avoid it, he would. It really most likely is not about you, but there is a possibility it is about you. And that doesn't make it your fault.

That doesn't mean there's something, you know, that you need to change about yourself, per se. But all of these options are possible.

Speaker D: 00:10:19

No.

Speaker B: 00:10:19

It's super interesting because I know we're gonna. We're gonna talk in the future about attachment styles.

So if you think about, like, that guy that I was dating and he wasn't telling me the truth, like, which thing was more painful for him? The attachment issue of, like, breaking up and just being honest and direct and not know.

Speaker C: 00:10:35

Right.

Speaker B: 00:10:35

Like, the attachment issue was more painful than the not being able to maintain an erection.

Speaker A: 00:10:40

Right.

Speaker B: 00:10:41

So it's like, which thing is more painful? So interesting, right? Men are complicated. Women are complicated. Like, okay, we're, you know, let's. Let's just open up.

Speaker A: 00:10:49

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Exactly. All right, well, I'll go next, since I'm right here next to you two ladies. And talk about from a dating perspective.

So it actually hasn't happened very often, surprisingly so. But I do recall one fairly more recently that it definitely happened. And it was a big to do because it. It's all he could talk about.

It was like he was preparing me for it all the time, you know, and so it became this Third person in the room with us, it felt like. And that made a little bit uncomfortable. And I think it also did, like, a bit of a mind on him.

So he was constantly, like, talking to his penis during sex. And he'd be like, come on, buddy, you got this.

Speaker D: 00:11:34

Oh, my God, the poor guy. And the pressure on the penis to show up. Yes.

Speaker A: 00:11:41

And the pressure all around. Because then it put a weird thing on me where I'm like, okay, I know. Well, maybe I didn't fully know that it wasn't me.

It still felt like a little bit of okay.

Something I'm not doing is not turning him on, but he's also dealing with something, you know, and he had already said that before he was on medication for it, for the dysfunction. And then it was like he was just constantly cheering it on. I don't know. And so I. I could do without the pep talks during the sessions, you know?

And yeah, it became a little bit difficult. But I will say, as we grew together and became more comfortable with each other, the less and less it happened.

So I can probably attribute it to the nervousness, the anxiety of the whole experience altogether. And so I think that, you know, I would definitely give grace for that. And it. Yeah, as I recall. Cause we. We dated for probably about six months or so.

And so it did continue on or continually get lesser and lesser, which made it, you know, better and better. And we didn't have that person in the room anymore. They were out of there.

Speaker C: 00:12:51

So it's a great plug for waiting for sex. It really is to get comfortable and to get to know each other. I. I mean, that's.

Speaker E: 00:13:00

I'm all for.

Speaker C: 00:13:00

That's what I took away. That's what I took away also as.

Speaker B: 00:13:03

A trauma informed therapist. Like, that guy had significant underlying trauma issues. And we could say that it's hor. Hormonal for some men or circulatory or whatever.

But what's often underpinning those things, like why is the testosterone lower?

Speaker A: 00:13:16

Why is.

Speaker B: 00:13:16

This is trauma? And so I hate to be like, you know. You know, when you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. But in that instance.

Speaker A: 00:13:24

Right.

Speaker B: 00:13:24

Like, that really is trauma injecting itself and it is a third person in the relationship. I've treated loads of couples dealing with this, and it does because it takes on a life of its own. And it's very tricky to.

Speaker A: 00:13:38

Yeah.

Speaker B: 00:13:39

Unwind. I agree.

Speaker A: 00:13:40

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Ozzy, what do you got? Tell us about you.

Speaker E: 00:13:44

Yeah, no, I just like what everyone. I'll just say what Everyone else is saying is, is that it's not just a mechanical issue, it's a performance issue, it's an identity issue.

It's a, it's a trauma. I mean, it's so nuanced that it's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is. It's very different for every single individual. And I think that it's, it's.

I'll speak from experience. So I, when I was 42, not too long ago, I was dating a 29 year old and I was like, yes, great.

And I have, I have an, I have an insatiable appetite for sex. And so I think the pressure of that became so big for him that, that he didn't, he couldn't. He. Right. So fun.

So he was having a lot of issues with performance or. Right. And we're going to use performance for a reason. Right.

Just like dawn said, that there is a place for it because men are designed or conditioned to perform. Right. And so it's attached to their worth, it's attached to their purpose, it's attached to a lot of things.

And so if this is yet one more thing that they fail at, it is a big deal. Or you mentioned that too, where it's a huge deal for them.

And as women, it's important for us to equip ourselves with being honest with how it feels to us, but also being gentle with the way that we broach the subject. A lot of my clients, the women tend to sort of go at it as something I need to fix or something that I need to highlight or something I need.

Speaker B: 00:15:13

Right.

Speaker E: 00:15:14

And it is a personalized. So for me, in my instance, so my 29 year old, God bless his soul, had a really hard time.

And so I did enough work up until then to know that I have to be gentle with them, that it is a big deal, it's a sense of failure.

But I also knew another component to what was going on for him is he was low in testosterone and that, that was tied to the amount of pressure that he puts on himself. And the, the, the, you know, not having community to unload that pressure, not having a space to be able to share or to release. Release. Right.

And so when it came time to be, you know, to perform, you know, with someone who's insatiably hungry and desires sex in a, in, you know, quite a big way, it was, it didn't work. And again, it was really hard for him.

So, you know, I was gentle and, and we, but that's not to say that I didn't have moments where I felt like, he doesn't want me, he doesn't. He doesn't desire me. There's something wrong with me.

Speaker D: 00:16:14

Right.

Speaker E: 00:16:15

It reminded me of my experience with my husband, and so it. It did touch on a lot of really sensitive things for me. And I. I. The women that I work with have a hard time with it, too.

And so you do need to acknowledge that those emotions are there, that how you receive it does feel personal in moments. Right.

So the women also have to have a space to go somewhere to discuss this or to release this sense of insecurity, because it does feel like, hey, there's something wrong with you.

Speaker A: 00:16:48

Right.

Speaker E: 00:16:49

We did go to a doctor who specialized in ED and who was a friend of mine. Weird. And he did treat him. He did. He did some ransom tests, and sure enough, he was low in testosterone.

So then he got on testosterone, and then he became a bitch. Oh, a complete.

Speaker A: 00:17:12

Yeah.

Speaker C: 00:17:13

Other problem.

Speaker E: 00:17:14

Other problem. So,.

Speaker C: 00:17:18

You know, hormones.

Speaker E: 00:17:20

Hormones, hormones.

Speaker A: 00:17:22

Hormone health is mental health.

Speaker E: 00:17:24

Correct.

Speaker C: 00:17:25

It's a thing.

Speaker E: 00:17:25

So it's a thing, you know, but you can't treat the hormones without treating the mental health. Right. So I think that's where he was lacking, is like, he didn't have enough support with the mental health. I couldn't fix it for him. I couldn't.

There was nothing I couldn't do. Eventually, the relationship simmered, but it was. It was a thing. And.

And again, just like Don, I work with a lot of couples that experience this, and it is a big deal. It's a big elephant in the room. And, you know, women are feeling rejected, and they're feeling a sense of, I'm not good enough as well.

And the men don't know how to talk about it. So for me, it's always about, what if we took sex off the table and just use curiosity and use our bodies to get to know one another? And that's all.

Like, taking sex off the table sometimes helps to just relieve the pressure that they have to perform.

Speaker D: 00:18:17

And I think timing is important, too. Like, when do we have these conversations like you were talking about, you know, the challenge and the. The insecurities and wanting to fix.

And that's not a good time when you're having sex. Not a good time to say, hey, we need to fix this problem, or what am I. Am. Am I not beautiful enough? Am I not turning you on? Because there.

Speaker A: 00:18:43

No.

Speaker D: 00:18:43

All the insecurities that both sides are having, you know, when do we create that. That place to talk?

And again, that's in support of waiting, especially if you're dating, to get comfortable, to be able to have these discussions without it being so inflammatory, so scary, so vulnerable while you're naked.

Speaker E: 00:19:02

You know, it's inflammatory also because there's shame attached to it.

Speaker D: 00:19:08

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker C: 00:19:09

Ozzy, can I ask you some follow up questions?

Speaker E: 00:19:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker C: 00:19:14

I learned so much in the lounge. Okay. Did you know he had low T? And if so, how. And are you.

So you just suspected or you theorized or you, or that was just the doctor brought it up and you had never thought of it?

Speaker E: 00:19:28

I, I, so for me, I, I looked at it not from the hormone space. I knew that the pressure that he was putting on himself, that I'm not good enough, I'm, I'm a failure.

Like I knew that was in his way and that prevented him from showing up to be playful in the bedroom.

Speaker C: 00:19:46

Are you saying that inner dialogue is connected to levels of testosterone?

And if so, are you imply, are, are you implying that being part of a men's group or being in a therapy situation or going to a 12 step meeting or some form of community would have help that please discuss. Could have.

Speaker E: 00:20:06

Yeah. And again, because it's nuanced.

Speaker B: 00:20:08

Right. Yeah. It's more complex than that. Right. Because it starts with where did that pattern begin? And it probably goes back to his mother.

She was impossible to please. Or his father was impossible to please.

So how our hormones and our endocrine systems function goes back to even when we were in utero, how stressed or not stressed our mothers were, dictates how much or how little progesterone we have or how much testosterone they have, how we process stress, chemicals and hormones. So how was mom while she was pregnant with him?

And how did that, his early childhood trickle down to how he metabolizes testosterone and then shows up as.

Speaker A: 00:20:42

Yeah.

Speaker B: 00:20:43

Being hard on himself and whatever. So I think sometimes we. This is why I'm an integrative healer anymore.

Speaker A: 00:20:48

Right.

Speaker B: 00:20:48

Because if we look at it just from like the therapeutic or coaching standpoint, we miss the entire like actual building blocks of our cellular, metabolic, endocrine, hormonal, health, peace. And we have to tackle both to be.

Speaker E: 00:21:02

Well, yeah, exactly. Well, both plus. Right. There's another component. There's a spirituality component.

Speaker C: 00:21:08

Right.

Speaker E: 00:21:08

There's a, there's a, there's a physiology, there's, there's the emotional, there's the physical, but there's also the, the spiritual. Right. So it's like what are, what, what spiritual practices do you have as a man? Where do you go for. And Most men today, as we know, we.

I think we discussed this, don't have a place. They. A lot of them are.

Speaker C: 00:21:28

Are.

Speaker E: 00:21:28

Don't have a lot of friend. Friend groups. They don't. They isolate a lot. And so that alone.

Speaker A: 00:21:34

Right.

Speaker E: 00:21:35

They're alone with their thoughts. They don't know what to do with it. They don't know how to. How to reframe. They don't have the capacity to.

To shift the perspective and their perception of their experiences.

Speaker A: 00:21:45

Then, you know. Okay, so, Juni, we want to hear about your story as well.

And then I think we also want to just touch base a little bit on some things that we think or suggestions for the listeners that they can kind of do if they're in this situation. So, Juni, tell us about what's going on with you.

Speaker D: 00:22:04

Yeah.

So firstly, like so much here already, you know, what people are bringing into relationships from not only in utero, as, like dawn was saying, but just like their. Their years and years of relationships and their insecurities and doubts. And I'm. You know, I'm thinking about when I was dating that, you know, some.

Some men had not been with anyone for a long, long time. And so there was that profession, that pressure, performance kind of thing that would get in their way. So just really supporting the.

Take it slow, get to know each other.

But the big thing that I want to share, that I've experienced in the past, which is why I do the work I do now, is my deep insecurity, especially around body image and how for so many years I was so afraid of not being attractive enough, not being good enough, the insecurities that if I'm not hot enough, they're not gonna get turned on. And so years ago, that was a big deal if that happened in the bedroom, because it wasn't about them at all.

It was about, oh, I must not be hot enough for them. And then the spiral and not being able to talk about it. And so, thankfully, doing the shadow work that I do, it.

It got me to a place where I can feel empowered and strong and be able to have those conversations. But to know. To have those conversations outside of the bedroom, but to be able to speak up because, you know, it. The pleasure was challenged for me.

It's like, is he in me? You know, I mean, it's so horrible to say that, but I was like, I'm not feeling anything. And then there's the, oh, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

And I don't want to make it worse by bringing it Up. And so, you know, this is one of the things I don't necessarily focus on the men. I focus on, you know, most of the people I work with are the women.

Is how can we get you to a place where you can feel empowered to say, hey, can we have a conversation about this? And this is what I'm noticing. This is what I'm feeling, and how might we do this together and work together with this?

But the big thing that I see is just those.

The shame that both sides can feel, bringing that into the bedroom and how it really can be disastrous if you can't talk about it and you don't have that agency to go. You know, this is something that I want, and this is something that I'd like to talk about with you.

It is definitely a minefield if you don't have the tools.

And that's why all of us are bringing this conversation here, because people need to talk about it, and people need to say, hey, this is not working for me, or, how can we do this differently so that we can both have pleasure? So I'm looking at it more as the, like, what's between our ears. And, yes, the hormones and all that stuff. But for me, it's, wow, I live this.

That deep fear of I, you know, I'm not good enough.

And being someone who works with mostly women, 50s, 60s, and above, the biggest thing they're afraid of is, oh, my boobs aren't as perky anymore, and my. My body's changing, and who's gonna want me now? Which keeps them stuck and unable to really open in the bedroom, which then is another whole spiral.

So that's what I got. It's. It's the emotional stuff and being able to talk about it, you know?

Speaker B: 00:25:23

Yeah.

Speaker E: 00:25:24

And. And I want it just to add that when the shame. Right. Cause. Cause as we're talking about this, right, like, shame is part of.

Speaker A: 00:25:30

Of what.

Speaker E: 00:25:31

What is going on for both parties. Right. And when shame dissolves, the ED goes away.

Speaker B: 00:25:40

Right?

Speaker D: 00:25:40

It can. It can.

Speaker E: 00:25:41

Yeah. So for the most part.

Speaker B: 00:25:42

Right.

Speaker E: 00:25:43

Because again, shame lives in the body, and. And. And it can create physiological issues in the body and. And hormonal issues in the body. That. That then makes it really hard.

Hard for them to perform or to be able to play, even.

Speaker D: 00:26:01

Yeah, totally. And.

Speaker B: 00:26:02

What?

Speaker D: 00:26:03

You know, same thing. When you let go of the shame and you.

You shine a light on it, then you actually get closer, then you're able to connect in a deeper way, and then it goes back to Lori, which is. It's Way more fun if, if, if Mr. Penis does not, you know, show up the way we want. It's like, well, what else can we do?

How can we be with this versus party over, you know, out of the bedroom? And how can we work with it? Because, you know, I've had in the past where that has happened not that often. I'm sorry, Grateful.

It hasn't happened a lot in the past, but in those moments, it's, how can we be with this? And even putting a soft penis in the vagina is one way to do it. And it. And it.

Speaker C: 00:26:47

Andrea can see Andrea's face, everyone, which.

Speaker D: 00:26:53

Is why you have to watch the YouTube, these faces.

Speaker A: 00:26:56

But it feels like you're kneading dough and you're trying to get it in there.

Speaker C: 00:26:59

That's what it feels like.

Speaker D: 00:27:01

Yeah.

Speaker C: 00:27:01

Kneading dough is fun, Andrea.

Speaker D: 00:27:04

And it can grow, right?

Speaker A: 00:27:06

Like you can bake the dough.

Speaker D: 00:27:07

And it rises.

Speaker E: 00:27:08

And the way you do that, you know how to do that? Tell us your Keckle exercises. You squeeze your.

Speaker A: 00:27:15

Pull it in, Pull it in.

Speaker E: 00:27:16

It's a turn on.

Speaker D: 00:27:18

And tantra, that's a piece of it, a part of it, which is putting the soft penis in and just feeling.

And I think there's, there's all that wiring, certainly for me, of how sex is supposed to be hard, fast, erotic, all that stuff that I did in my 20s and 30s.

Speaker B: 00:27:37

Oriented versus process oriented.

Speaker D: 00:27:40

Exactly. So we are older, we are in different bodies perhaps, certainly in the menopause love lounge.

Speaker B: 00:27:46

Right?

Speaker D: 00:27:46

That we can do different things if we. We lean into what else is here. And I know that's something that I've worked, you know, through the years is like, how can I.

Knowing that there's nothing wrong with me and leaning into that, it's like, huh, what is energy work? What is it? How can I drop in and feel it? Anybody here agree?

Speaker C: 00:28:09

All the moments, but what happens in.

Speaker B: 00:28:11

The bedroom is really just a stripped down version of what's happening in every other domain of life. So true.

Speaker E: 00:28:17

Right?

Speaker B: 00:28:18

Every other domain.

So for instance, right, Like, I wish I had understood this earlier on, but when my now husband, the one time we had this problem, he was working, you know, a physically hard job in the summer and he was so exhausted, right? And like, for my husband to be too exhausted to have an erection is like, oh, he's really pushing himself very, very, very hard. Like, he's right.

And then I was so insecure, I made it all about me. It's like, oh, well, this is actually how we're doing life and it's just showing up here because when we're stripped down, we can't hide it.

Speaker D: 00:28:54

Right.

Speaker B: 00:28:54

It's like literally vulnerability on display. So whatever's breaking down in the bedroom, it is breaking down way before the bedroom, right?

Speaker E: 00:29:01

That's correct.

Speaker B: 00:29:02

Until the bedroom is a place, you can't hide it.

Speaker D: 00:29:04

Yeah, yeah. The vulnerabilities.

Speaker A: 00:29:06

Yeah.

Speaker D: 00:29:07

So, sisters, I think we should move on to some of the stats.

Speaker E: 00:29:10

Yes.

Speaker D: 00:29:11

I don't look like Karen, but I'm going to act like her a little bit.

Speaker B: 00:29:15

I really love, though, you put on the glasses. Gotta read, man.

Speaker D: 00:29:18

Gotta read.

Speaker B: 00:29:18

Immersive experience. I'm here for it.

Speaker D: 00:29:20

Menopause. Can't see a thing with a. Without them. Okay, so pretty crazy stats.

52% Of men over 40 experience some form of erectile dysfunction, according to the Massachusetts Male Aging Study. I. I got the.

Speaker C: 00:29:37

According to those who admitted it. According.

Speaker D: 00:29:40

But over 40 was the thing that really popped out for me. But here's the other thing that was like, oh, my gosh.

he Journal of Sexual Medicine: 2023

It's like over 40, 52% orgasm.

Speaker C: 00:30:11

And, like, the stats are a little similar to our orgasm issues.

Speaker D: 00:30:15

There's, you know, that's so true. So we're at this age, both sides are kind of challenged and shame.

And nobody's really talking about it, but at the end of the day, you know, these are big frigging stats. People are really struggling with ed. What do you guys think about these. These numbers?

Speaker E: 00:30:34

I want to add that actually there is. And I wish we would have had these stats. I wish I could find them, and I will. It's actually also happening in young men. Young men are not having.

Right. I know we're not talking about that age group, but I just want to identify that it's even starting earlier now.

Speaker A: 00:30:52

Scary, right?

Speaker B: 00:30:52

The vapes, the phone in the pocket, the. I don't know, all these. The level of disconnection. Yeah. Disassociation. It's so true.

Speaker E: 00:30:59

Yep.

Speaker D: 00:31:00

Well, I remember I dated this guy and he was. He was, I don't know, in his early 40s. And he had said that he was taking Viagra, Cialis. I don't know, for years.

Speaker E: 00:31:11

Years.

Speaker D: 00:31:12

And then, of course, I found out.

And I don't know if this is true or not, but somebody told Me, an expert that says, you know, starting at such a young age and doing it for so many years, eventually it will not really work. So they're trying, they're trying to figure it out. It's. And yeah, things are changing with the pot smoking now that it's legal.

I love pot, but you know, there's a place for it, you know?

Speaker A: 00:31:33

Yeah.

Speaker C: 00:31:35

Do you want to talk about Viagra for a minute? What, what are your again? I'm here to learn. I'm here in the love lounge to learn. But why do we pick up Viagra, right? Is it.

Does it disempower couples? Does it empower couples? When is it? When do the pros outweigh the cons? When do the cons outweigh the pros?

Speaker D: 00:31:51

I gotta say, when I was dating somebody who had challenges, he was significantly older than me. I was really grateful. I was really grateful. Cuz I was really not satisfied, you know, and, and things have changed. I'm in a different place now too.

That was a while ago, but seriously, I, you know, it certainly enhanced and he was like, I remember we were in the kitchen once and you know, he popped one and he's like getting ready and I was like, what happens if you pop two? And he's like, let's find out, you know. Oh, no. So I mean, we played with it and we played with it and, and so for me, I was, I saw it as a tool.

I saw it as, is an enhancement, literally and figuratively. But I didn't actually know all the information that we're talking about now.

So I would probably have approached it differently if I knew what I know now. But I was grateful at the time because I didn't know any better.

Speaker E: 00:32:48

Yeah, I want to add that it's a tool if you're also, if you're confident and you do some of the self help work on the side as well alongside it. Because some men are like, this is where I'm at. I'm accepting it, I'm going to work with it. Viagra is great. It gets me hard. Stay, I stay hard.

And my, my, my lady is happy. Right? And then there are others that are like, ugh, I have to take it. Right?

Like they make meaning of it and then works for a little bit and then it doesn't. So again, it's just, it's another tool. And if you use it in a way that actually is hitting on the mind, body, soul, spirit, it works.

Speaker A: 00:33:27

I love it.

Speaker C: 00:33:27

Got it.

Speaker A: 00:33:28

I love it. All right guys, let's move on. To our final segment, which is our legs Wide open segment. This one is called Bedroom Innovations. So we're.

Yeah, we're gonna dive into something a little fun and a little spicy. So we all know that intimacy can evolve, and especially in midlife. And so sometimes the best moments don't even evolve an erection.

So I'm gonna throw out a few fill in the blank prompts, and I just want your first gut response. Just one short word or short phrase. And so I'm just going to throw it out, and then we'll get two from each of you. Sound good?

There's no overthinking. There's no filters. We're just going to.

Speaker B: 00:34:06

Telling us not to overthink.

Speaker A: 00:34:07

No, I need you on the fly. Just boom, boom.

Speaker D: 00:34:09

Spontaneous.

Speaker A: 00:34:11

Show me how quick you can get it up. Ay. Let's go. All right, so here we go. Number one. When penetration isn't the main event, intimacy is all about.

Speaker D: 00:34:26

Oh, I was gonna say that.

Speaker A: 00:34:27

Oh, love that. All right, see, you guys are so good at this. All right, one forgotten erogenous zone that deserves more attention is nipples, neck, my low back.

I don't know why that reminded me of friends when she's like, seven, seven, seven. They may see that episode. Okay. Yeah. She's like, three, three, four, seven, seven.

Speaker D: 00:34:52

Yeah.

Speaker A: 00:34:53

It's so good. All right, you have to do more of the bit for me to remember.

Speaker B: 00:34:57

I know.

Speaker D: 00:34:57

Yeah.

Speaker B: 00:34:57

I don't remember.

Speaker D: 00:34:58

Sounds fun, though.

Speaker A: 00:34:59

All right, number three. The sexiest thing a partner can say.

Speaker E: 00:35:02

In bed is, I want you.

Speaker A: 00:35:06

You look hot. You're so sexy.

Speaker C: 00:35:08

You're beautiful.

Speaker A: 00:35:09

I love when I'm told I'm sexy in bed. Then I'm like, oh, yeah. That's what I do.

Speaker C: 00:35:14

Can everybody just share this with one man, please? I feel like we can make the world a better place. We're gonna make it.

Speaker D: 00:35:20

I'm so happy to say I have this. I'm like, oh, my God.

Speaker E: 00:35:23

Than.

Speaker A: 00:35:25

Number four. The most underrated form of foreplay is leg humping.

Speaker C: 00:35:32

Chores. Kissing.

Speaker E: 00:35:34

Kissing, licking.

Speaker B: 00:35:37

Can I say footsie?

Speaker A: 00:35:39

It's like, there is. That is.

Speaker D: 00:35:43

I just am laughing at chores, though. I'm like,.

Speaker C: 00:35:47

What?

Speaker A: 00:35:48

We have to mute Lori for a minute.

Speaker C: 00:35:51

Oh, my God. I speak for other women. Put it in the comments, ladies.

Speaker A: 00:35:56

Yeah.

Speaker C: 00:35:57

Lori, tell these ladies I'm not the only one.

Speaker A: 00:36:00

All right, number five. Good sex in midlife is really about connection.

Speaker D: 00:36:06

Connection.

Speaker A: 00:36:07

Good play. Foreplay.

Speaker B: 00:36:12

I was gonna say having enough of my own hormones.

Speaker A: 00:36:19

Oh, yeah, yeah, That's a good one.

Speaker D: 00:36:23

Yeah.

Speaker A: 00:36:24

All right, number six. When the lights go out, confidence looks like.

Speaker B: 00:36:31

Staying present in one's body. Like not having to disassociate.

Speaker E: 00:36:36

Balls to the walls.

Speaker D: 00:36:40

I like balls to the walls. I'm stumped on that one.

Speaker A: 00:36:42

Yeah, it's a.

Speaker D: 00:36:43

Too much thinking on that one.

Speaker A: 00:36:44

All right, I'm in the dark.

Speaker C: 00:36:46

What was the prompt? When you're talking about when the lights go out, what happens?

Speaker A: 00:36:51

Confidence looks like when the light goes.

Speaker C: 00:36:57

Yeah, no, I'll go with your I like Don's answer. I second the motion I got. I was like, when the lights gone, I go to sleep. What?

Speaker A: 00:37:07

Okay, number seven. One toy tool or texture that changes.

Speaker E: 00:37:12

The game is feather.

Speaker A: 00:37:18

Vibrator.

Speaker D: 00:37:19

Vibrator for me.

Speaker E: 00:37:20

Oh, my God.

Speaker C: 00:37:21

Blindfold.

Speaker A: 00:37:22

Ooh, I like that. That's a good.

Speaker D: 00:37:24

Yeah, that's hot.

Speaker A: 00:37:25

That's a good.

Speaker C: 00:37:25

I need to not see anything.

Speaker D: 00:37:29

You need to be in the dark.

Speaker C: 00:37:30

Then, honey, I need the dark and I need something on my face.

Speaker E: 00:37:34

Yeah. Deprivation for Lori.

Speaker A: 00:37:37

Okay, number eight. The key to keeping desire alive long term is.

Speaker B: 00:37:44

Nervous system health.

Speaker C: 00:37:44

For me, I think it's homeopathy.

Speaker B: 00:37:48

Right, Homeopathy. But also novelty. Right? Like, Like. But physiologically, if we can't. If we're not healthy or well or robust or whatever. Right?

Like, you can't keep desire alive, period. But then also, like, on the more like, what you're looking for side is novelty.

Speaker C: 00:38:02

Also communication. I mean, is that too cliche?

Speaker D: 00:38:06

And I was gonna go for play because, you know, keeping it light and joyful and childlike, it just keeps that energy and creativity flowing. In my opinion, I'm going to add freedom.

Speaker A: 00:38:18

Yes.

Speaker E: 00:38:18

A sense of freedom allows for desire.

Speaker A: 00:38:20

To, you know, inhibitions for sure.

Speaker C: 00:38:22

Talking about poly, because I think we need an episode. Freedom.

Speaker A: 00:38:28

No. Yeah. All right, number nine. The best kind of after sex connection is.

Speaker D: 00:38:36

Ooh, cuddling.

Speaker E: 00:38:38

Cuddling and footsie. Like dawn says, I love, like, playing with the toes.

Speaker D: 00:38:42

Chores, chores, More chores.

Speaker C: 00:38:47

Before and after.

Speaker D: 00:38:49

You'll be humming around the house.

Speaker E: 00:38:51

Don, what are you saying? I. I'm dying to hear.

Speaker A: 00:38:54

Lori smoked a cigarette and did some laundry. Yeah.

Speaker B: 00:38:57

Yeah.

Speaker D: 00:39:00

All right.

Speaker A: 00:39:00

The last one, the ultimate bedroom innovation every couple should try at least once is red light honesty.

Speaker C: 00:39:09

Honesty and red lights.

Speaker E: 00:39:11

Can mic drive already there.

Speaker C: 00:39:13

Can't improve.

Speaker A: 00:39:14

We can't improve.

Speaker B: 00:39:15

I'm here for the red light recommendation, actually, because you put me in a red light sauna and forget about it. It's like having sun on my butthole. But, like, in a sauna.

Speaker E: 00:39:27

Donnie to come over. I have a lot of red light devices and everybody Looks really good.

Speaker C: 00:39:34

Andrea, thank you for doing these games with us. It's so fun.

Speaker A: 00:39:39

It's so good. Well, they are. They make us think outside the box, and I really like that. That's so fun.

Speaker C: 00:39:45

Yeah.

Speaker B: 00:39:45

All right.

Speaker E: 00:39:46

Not very hard.

Speaker A: 00:39:47

Yeah. So we're closing the legs on that one. So that is it for this week's episode of Talking About Ed and how it's changed our experience with intimacy.

For those of you listening, hopefully you are checking us out on YouTube as well. There's so much hand motions and gestures that you're missing. Face facial stuff. I mean, Lori brings it every week for us on that one.

So we would love to hear your story or your favorite bedroom innovation. What are you guys doing to keep the penis up? We'd love to know what is happening in your bedroom. We are that nosy. Yes, we are. Join us in the lounge.

You can tag us at Menopause Love Lounge on Instagram or TikTok. You can use the hashtag real midlifeintimacy or menopause love Lounge.

And if this conversation opened your heart, made you laugh, please follow us, subscribe Share Leave a Review Comment we want to hear from you guys. We want to hear as the women in the lounge. So thank you guys for joining us, and you guys have a great week. Bye.

Speaker B: 00:40:48

Bye.