Can Our Relationship Survive Menopause? Why Little Things Make Me Want to Scream

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I don't care about the conflict. I care more about the repair. For me, it's like seeing it, discerning what works for me and wow, I'm different now. That doesn't work for me anymore. Hmm. How do I want to be with that? And this is why this season is so wonderful, right? On on on the one hand, so fucking annoying, but also on the other hand, so wonderful in that we get to learn about ourselves. We get to learn how the machine operates. We get to learn how all the systems work and why the why we react rather than respond, right? I didn't get

Ha ha ha

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It

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Hormones a while, but so are we Embracing this journey unapologetically From mood swings to joy, it's all part of the ride in the sisterhood there's nothing to hide. Then a pause love lounge where we keep it real, sharing ups and downs and feels we feel. Grab a seat with us, less life and unwind. Together we'll conquer what's on our mind.

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Have you noticed that everyone seems to be kind of getting on your nerves lately? Not these ladies, of course, not these ladies. I'm talking about your husband, you guys, your kids, your co workers, your friends, the stranger chewing too loudly, or the coworker singing when you're not ready for that.

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Anyway?

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It's the person who sends you not mentioning names. The person who sends you six texts in a row. The one who says, Can I ask you a favor? We're over it. Aren't we over it? And then you wonder, wait, am I becoming the terrible person here? Isn't that what we're wondering? But what if you're not? What if menopause isn't making you actually hate everyone? It's just making it impossible to keep pretending that you're okay with things that have been draining you for years.

Maybe your people pleasing is wearing off. Maybe your tolerance for drama has expired. Maybe you're finally done carrying everyone else's emotional baggage while putting yourself lapped. We talk about this all the time. But today we are talking about why so many women in menopause feel like they are just sick of everyone and why losing your patience might actually be one of the healthiest things that has happened to you in a long time. So if you have ever wanted to lock yourself in a room and tell everyone to

Figure it out yourself, then this episode is definitely for you. It is definitely for you. Ladies, welcome to the lounge.

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Thank you.

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Woo! Looking lovely, ladies. We are going to talk today about well, not any of you guys, right? We don't annoy each other at all, do we? I mean, the six of us? Never. Never. I can't possibly imagine.

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Yeah.

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No.

All right. Well, we are just gonna jump right into it today. We're excited to talk about this topic because we've all gone through it and we're gonna go around and we're gonna give our personal reflections today. We're gonna share the moments when we realize that our tolerance level has changed and what those moments are revealing about ourselves. We've got our stats from Karen. She's gonna tell us what is going on out there. Are we the only six that are dealing with this? I don't think so.

Mm-mm. And of course, we have our legs wide open game, which we are super excited for. It is called Nope or Absolutely Yes. So here we go. We're ready to get started, ladies. Who wants to go first? Who wants to tell us how and where their tolerance level is at these days? Anyway, who's like the angriest of us all right now?

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Yay. I was gonna report that my tolerance level is actually pretty high. It is but this is a massive shift from like sure

being one of those people that needed to crawl in a hole. And it moved from like low tolerance to like selective, being more selective, right? Is that a fair way of saying it? Yeah. Yeah. I do see this so, so, so much in my practice and amongst the six of us, right? Like we're

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Yes. For a moment.

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We're gonna be honest.

We annoy each other for sure. I think that's important for people to know, like for them to not be comparing their inside star our outsides and be telling themselves some story that we're and we're different and we have some sort of magical fairyland thing. But Yeah, I see it so much in my practice, this hormonal burnout state. And one of the most common homeopathic remedies, you had to know that was coming.

for this state is sepia. and it's it's you can find it on Amazon, right? 30 C two hundred C One whatever if you need a recommendation, let me know. but it's literally wants to crawl in a hole and hide because she feels burnt out, under supported, depleted, you name it, like her husband doesn't have her back, her kids are just draining her. And you know, of course, there are many presentations of that, but yeah, exhaustion.

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Yeah.

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It's super reasonable.

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Yeah. Yeah. That.

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I love it.

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And I love one thing you said, Don, that was really good. It it was just a small little statement that you said there for all the listeners out there or the people that are watching, like, don't

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Let

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your our outside fool you on our inside. Right. And I think that's that's the whole thing we're doing when we're people pleasing. We're like putting out this outer shell and letting everybody see us. I mean it's Instagram, right? It's all social media.

putting it out there, how we are on the outside when inside we're really struggling. So I love that we're talking about this today. That was such a great statement. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. Thank you. Judy.

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About our image, right?

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A little too much sometimes, right? Yeah. And it it really affects us. I think about that often actually when sadly I see posts about, you know, so many social media influencers, et cetera, that have passed away. And and it's just that it reminder of it don't believe everything you see.

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And and I think that's part of like when we're part of what's driving the burnout and the desire to hide and be overwhelmed, it's like it's exhausting the the hamster wheel of trying to impress and perform all the time and comparing ourselves to people who are also performing or they're disassociated and it's not real, right? yeah, yeah. I think I think we should be willing to step off

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Yes.

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that.

Hempster wheel in order to reclaim our agency, our nervous systems, our peace, our life. Yeah, our energy. That's right. Yeah. But there is that's there is that season where we're when we transition from being hormonally healthy or somewhat healthy to then depleting hormones, which now we no longer have that that tolerance, right? We're not dis all of a sudden we don't have the makeup of being able to tolerate certain annoying things like.

Me singing or humming or Lori typing. But I I also think it eventually like it it right, like it you become discerning about what it is that you're going to allow to annoy you. You start to take count of what does it does in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter that that Lori's typing? Like really, like can I just tune it out? What is there something in me that I is it a choice? Yeah. Like could there be a choice?

And sometimes somet no, yeah, I hear you. Yes. I hear you.

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I wanna hear this debate.

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And I was like, go on.

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We do have that choice. However, it overtakes us and sometimes we don't even have the moment to get to the choice. So again, I and this is something I tell my couples all the time. I I I'm not I d like I don't care about the conflict. I care more about the repair. And when you get to the when you can repair with yourself, with someone else.

with that window of tolerance, right? Also learning how to expand that window of tolerance as much as you can. But also again, being discerning about your time, being discerning about your mental space. My friend always tells me, Dazzy, does it serve your mental space? You're you're you're adding more things to your to for you to think about or to or to worry about. and so it's always a reminder. And yesterday she stopped me at the gym and she said, When do you rest? I'm like, at night. She goes, No, no, no. When do you rest? I'm like, at night.

Should not sleep. Sleep is not the same thing as rest. And I said, Okay, so you mean mind rest? And she's like, Yeah. I go, Well, I do it at night when I tuck all my friends and my my clients in bed in my mind. I do a whole ritual of just kind of putting everyone to bed so I could go to bed with a with a clean energy. And then in the morning, the same thing. I take a moment to awaken and I I give myself a few minutes. I I envision the day and I I but that's not to say that during the day I don't get annoyed as F.

with people all the time. The founder of my of my nonprofit pacing back and forth. So I have to put down the shade, lock the door so that I don't see it. So eventually

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You can mute some things you can actually protect yourself.

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Correct. So I think you learn how to work within the annoyance or the things that are happening, right? That you don't have that that tolerance for. So that's that's been my experience. I know. I want to pull Ozzy's both and, right? Because what she's saying is so beautiful. It's like learning how to draw boundaries around your personal space and being able to withdraw for periods of time so that you can sort of reset and ground and all of that. and also

There's a very real, I don't know if I want to call it medical, because I don't love that that's the word, but I'm gonna use that word here, right? Medical component. And I think one of the reasons I'm feeling feisty about this is because I am one of those women who have been gaslighting myself for decades. And I know I'm in good company here, that I can just mindset my way out of, you know, being really depleted or really like overstimulated or being whatever.

And if I could just find gratitude, if I could just this, that, and this, that, but there gets to be a point where the body is like, Pizza.

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No.

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I don't know if I was allowed to say that on this podcast. But you

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That's

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are. Yeah. And then when it becomes a symptom where it feels like you can't force yourself into a calm state or force yourself into a positive mindset, that is a symptom that's the body trying to get your attention and saying, hey, something really needs attention here. And it could be that your sleep is off or that your minerals are off or that you're, you know, you're in perimenopause and, you know, one day you're great and the next day you're

like on the wildest roller coaster of your life or any number of things. But for the woman out there who's been trying to mindset her way into loving her people around her well, but can't seem to manage to do it, there is a very real medical component. And I want you to honor that. Yeah. And that brings us into again the yes and it's like, yes, there could be something going on in our body metabolically that's that's showing up. And we have overall, I think it's a common thing with women,

abandon our truth, not listen to our bodies, not listen to the the that feeling that's in like like I'm I'm angry, I'm frustrated. And and that there's two things that I'm hearing here. There's the boundaries and there's acceptance. And for that, you know, I'm always saying we got to be aware of it. Like if we're just going, going, going, we're not gonna be in tune with something doesn't feel right to give us the information of

This person is under my skin, but why? Because it's so easy for us to point the finger. That's the classic shadow work that I do. It's like, they're idiots. They're they're they're hype maintenance. You know, they're they want more from me than blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, well, what's going on inside of me? And like for for my share, it's I've come to a place of healthy hope, discernment, not spiritual bypass shit where it's like.

I'm just gonna think my way through it and breathe my way through it. Yes, that's great. That's wonderful. And this is not somebody that I want to spend time with anymore. I'm in a different place in my life. I want a certain kind of person for my energy field, if you will. And sometimes people just don't fit anymore. So if there's there's like a recalibration I'm noticing of, yeah, whenever that person texts me and I'm like, you know, then I have to have the healthy boundaries of.

Well, how am I gonna respond to this person? Do I wanna see this person? Do I wanna respond to this person? Do I want this person in my life anymore? And you know, in in our in our intimate relationships, like partners or family, gets a little bit more murky because

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Because they're

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in our, you know, like iteration.

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Not a choice. Not so much a choice.

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It's

not a choice and we still can have good communication, good boundaries, and be able to set the tone of this works, this doesn't work for me. So for me, it's like seeing it, discerning what works for me, and wow, I'm different now. That doesn't work for me anymore. Hmm. How do I want to be with that? And in its steps. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what I meant by choice. I think it changes, you know, dramatically depending on

my level of stimulation. When I am overstimulated, you know, my tolerance goes way down. And and, you know, I know that I need considerably more time alone now than I ever did before for that reason. You know, and and remember I work in a school, right? So there's fluorescent lighting, there's noise all day long. There's people tugging at my attention. There's yeah. It's it's really to the point where when I come home at the end of the day,

I need a certain amount of time to decompress. And if I don't have that, then yes, I get to that point of like feeling like I don't have a choice, feeling like I'm, you know, I'm reacting without taking that pause and being able to consider all the things, you know, that you guys just mentioned boundaries and and all of that.

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I was a school teacher for one year. Talk about people

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I mean,

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If

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making noise. my gosh. I lost ten years off the end of my life in that one year. I anybody who can and what was I thinking getting into that career? I d I don't know. But

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But you're not

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Yeah, teacher.

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I'm a good teacher one on one in quiet c quiet conditions. Small groups in quiet conditions. It has to be quiet conditions. Whatever it is.

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It changes, right? There was a point in my career where that didn't bother me at all. Right. But I'm at a point now where that overstimulation is very taxing for me. So I do think, you know, as as we change and as these physical, you know, hormonal changes are happening, we see it reflected in, you know, the as I said, the amount of time we need alone, the amount of tolerance we have for other people, you know, our boundaries.

And I think as midlife women, we're claiming a different way of being. We've learned, we've lived, we've given. I know for me, it's like I really value every minute of my life. At least I certainly try to. And that wasn't necessarily the case in the past when I was just running, running, running. And so again, it comes back to like my discernment of how do I want my life to be and how do I want to interact with people and who do I want in my life. I

I think it changes as we, you know, past forty start going, you know what, this doesn't work for me anymore and that recalibration happens. What do you guys think? Do you think free

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Did

I did I coin the term FOGO, fear of going out? I don't hear that. It's like

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Yeah, I hadn't heard that.

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we've been in f I don't know about you guys, but I feel like I just transitioned from FOMO to FOGO. I gotta do the work thing, I gotta do the business, I gotta show up, I gotta jump for my kids, I gotta like to like something changed right around fifty.

maybe where I'm like, I gotta not do that. Like I it's almost like the urgency to be alone is like the urgency to pee. Like and if I hold it too long it's gonna be like an emergency to be alone.

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Do you follow through long enough though, Laurie? Do you actually do that? Then you say you're not going out?

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I would s well, I I've always been decent at not going out, but it's the applications of not going out in quotes that you can do at home. So you guys will all be you will all be proud of me, because this is only a three week old experiment, but I have made a new promise to myself of not working on weekends. Okay. And just if you know me, you understand that is insane. Really? That is an insane and it feels physical.

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god.

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I

mean, I wouldn't know. I'm only three weeks in. I I I am cautious I like the early results do imply that it's gonna be a game changer to my capacity, my energetics, my state like my urgent like you don't have to wait till you have to pee so bad that you hate everyone. Right. And that's what like that was the tip off. My husband would come in to say goodnight when I had just started my time alone and I was like, How should he die?

Dare he and all he did was open the door to say goodnight. Right. He wasn't saying I need sex. He wasn't saying, could you do something for me? He was nothing. And I was like over the edge. And again, like when you're that triggerable, it does beg the question, like, did you wait too long?

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Yeah. Is there anything that he could have done to have discussed if he had come in and said I want sex, would that have made you be like, Yeah, or that would have been a total trigger? No, okay, I'm just checking where you're at on that.

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No, no, we determined that if he had texted me goodnight, or when's a good time to come and say goodnight, then I could control it was really like I again, it's like when you have to pee too badly. Like I let it go too far. I was finally coming down from my day, right? Like Karen describes, like you need that time to just decompress from all the inputs. And it was like five minutes in to that, like I'm finally, you know, take off the bra, pee.

Right. Like I'm finally in that mode. Yeah. Acknowledging myself and someone else even the nicest, simplest of interactions, I could not handle. Yeah. So we determined, right, if he had texted and I could have been like either just texted back. No energet it's energetic, guys. I don't know if you feel this, but it's not it's like the physical presence is not just the demand on my attention. Cause I can handle a text coming in, because I can control that.

And I certainly could handle like I'll see you in a half an hour, like not trying project my husband, but the timing and the energetics of it. So there there was a s there is a solution to that. But I'm trying to take the the the vantage point of like how do I set myself up for success before it gets to be project

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Yeah.

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Yeah,

and the weekend and work choice feels like it's doing that. Mm-hmm. But see, in response to Juni's question about at 40, you or not question statement, at 40 that you started to feel maybe more of a permission to set more of a boundary. Like that wasn't my experience. for me, I did not feel safe to set real boundaries or to take care of myself in a different way, or didn't even have the energy to do it until

I added homeopathy and a handful of other things. And maybe that coincided with we moved to a different part of the country and I had more support and blah blah blah. Like, but the nervous system really does need a sense of safety before it can start to change patterns. And so for so many of us, we're going so hard for so long and we're so depleted. How does our body mind perceive safety to even, you know, reach for something different? From a homeopathic lens, when we have too much viral load in our body, subclinical like

People who have long COVID or people who feel like they have this nagging cough they can't get rid of, or they always feel run down or chronic fatigue. Like that's a sign of carrying a lot of subclinical viral load for people who feel like they're constantly under attack. There's a cue there of an bacteria imbalance. How much do we talk about gut health equaling mental health? Right. There are so many things that I don't think as women we realize impact how

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Mm.

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we experience being in our bodies in the world and in our relationships. And

Yeah. Well and and this is why this season is so wonderful, right? On on on the one hand so fucking annoying, but also on the other hand, so wonderful in that we get to learn about ourselves. We get to learn how the machine operates. We get to learn how all the systems work and why the why we react rather than respond, right? Like we're we're know thyself and and it's an opportunity rather than it's an right. Everyone says it. Yeah. Wake up

And our bodies are changing. And and I I I actually I'm gonna add on to, you know, when we are in our 40s, things start to change. Well, things start to change, but we may not have the tools just yet to shift it. So I'm feeling this and I'm noticing this and I'm wanting this. homeopathy can help me. shadow work can help me. Like that's what happened to me when I think about it. It's like, yeah, I woke up.

And then shadow work showed up. So it it it it's it's that combination I think that really takes us to the next level. I like that you said that yeah. It's a journey. Yeah.

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Yeah. And a lot of that is really like you said, but taking advantage of all of those things. Like we are in such an era of self discovery and and tools that are out there. Like you said, the shadow work and the homeopathy. And there's so many different ways that we can get our needs met and and figuring that out rather than just sitting in it, which I think a lot of us do. You know, we just sit there and like it'll work itself out, you know, like, no, I'm just having a bad day. We try to just

fluff it off all the time and then you start to see a pattern of you're constantly being this angry bitch, you know, and you don't know why. Well, let's stop and take a look at that. Is it that you are now in perimenopause or you're going through menopause or you are just

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In a white. A histamine cascade probably.

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I mean, it's so many things. And then it's also the way, you know, we react to things. And I wanted to make just a little sidebar note to say Lori, everything how she just reacted like the how does he die today? she's been married for thirty years. I I just want to make sure that that's clear that this is not something new. And she's got I mean, you've got a man that is working with you too, right? Like he understands you and knows you and how huge that is to use our

our resources and our people and our friends, you know, not to always make them the enemy, but to help them to understand what we might be going through. And we

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So I think we we wanna we wanna fix it right away. I think you know so often I think we don't realize that when we start to unearth these things, it takes a long time to unwind these patterns. You know, we we think we get turned on to, you know, any one of these modalities that we've mentioned, and it's like an immediate thing, and it's just such a long

process and such a deep commitment to doing the work. Yeah. Yeah. And it starts with slowing down. It starts with slowing down. You slow it down. Everything needs to go 'cause we are, we're so wired to just go, go, go, go, go. Urgency. Yeah. You know, and and 'cause we're that's how our way of proving to the world that we that we matter or that we are significant, right? Or we're powerful. We're like men. No. Right. This this is we're not designed for that. And when we slow it down

And we take a moment and we rest, tend to start to then things will get revealed. And when things are revealed, we're gonna see clear, we could listen, we could hear, we could, we could actually hear the thoughts and be behind them, not not ahead of them, and and be able to shift. And and I think and and again, it's it's a journey, it's a process, it's not something that just happens overnight, but what a wonderful opportunity.

To have that at at our age right now. Like to that's just a blessing and also a curse sometimes, right? Yeah.

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Yeah,

I think I've had my my biggest shift lately. I'm I'm gonna really dive into the love part of Menopause Love Lounge and just say, you know, I've gone through so much of the dating and stuff since I was divorced. And I would listen to my friends, you know, like everything they'd say, I found myself hanging on almost every word of what they well, you're not doing this right, or you should be doing this or trying this. And I'm like, you're right. Yes, I should, you know. And so now that

I am in this healthier place, more secure attachment style. I'm gonna self diagnose myself. That I feel that you know, now when I hear from my friends and I see how they are being, you know, my some of my single friends, where I'm like, my God, you didn't know what you were talking about. Yeah, because I'm like because

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Like

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now I see it, right? Because I'm in a different place and I am less tolerant of like.

The bullshit, right? So when they're telling me all this, and now I'm like, yeah, no, that's not right. And

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Check your sources.

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yes. It's it's such a shift for me to see that in, you know, my single friends, where I'm like, wow, I was so like invested in everything you had to say when you really you were the one that was really insecure along with me, you know, not to call it down my friends. I'm not saying any names here because I want to maybe be hurt. but

You know, it's just interesting how you become so less tolerant of that stuff. And now I'm just like when they say things, you know, I'm almost like, you know, I am often diagnosing them and telling them, you know, no, you got I can't handle you saying that stuff anymore. Like really, like let's just deal with this situation. And it's fun. It's fun to be on the other side of it. Really enjoying that.

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Difference and

setting some better standards for than others. Yeah. But we're also all walking reflections of one another, right? What we see in others is really what's what's sort of stirring within when we get to that that place of understanding thyself, we we could see that. We could see that when our friends are very where our friends are talking from, are they talking for fear? They're actually talking from grounded, secure place.

But I think I think the lesson is always just how can I come back to trusting myself? Yeah. What what is right for me? Because what is right for you is not gonna be right for me.

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Right, right. Yeah. And before we move on, I just wanna I wanna add because you know, we are it is six of us on here. We've talked about this probably a little bit more in season one, I think, than we did in season two. About, you know, it was very difficult. We felt like we all hopped into bed together and then we were just like, my god, we just had sex. Who are you? And so we have grown as this group.

group together this amazing group of ladies and we really try to practice our emotional integrity. We talk about that should have been the name of our podcast. We screwed up on that one. Next next

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Right next.

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one. But you know, I again it goes back to, you know, n not just looking at what's on the outside, but understanding on the inside we have had our struggles as well as

As six women and we start out our recordings by doing our groundings to get us all in this amazing place that we, you know, feel each other and we sense each other and we're here for each other. Yeah. And I think that's just really, really special to do that. And so sometimes it it is just slowing down and just, you know, taking the moment for what it is. Like we are here. Let's make the best of this and just really enjoy being together and having this conversation. I mean, what a blessing to be able to just have this conversation together.

thank you. Thank you. 'Cause it just feels so good, right? I do too. I actually

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Mm-hmm.

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It was so silly, Andrea. but yeah, I just love that. Hmm.

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D Sorry. Sorry. But did we hear Karen's personal reflections? I'm just I just

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I

mean, it was short. I just wanna make sure you said everything you 'cause conversation moves fast and I just Yeah. Before we move to to research and you can come to this and feel free to

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Get rid of it. Lots of lots of it. Lots of everything. Be sick of people needing to withdraw, needing less stimulation, low tolerance. Yes to all of it for Karen. Yes, yes. Lori,

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Amen.

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I just want to quickly acknowledge how you care for us and you care that we all have a space to say to to talk and and so thank you, Lori.

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Always doing the math over here.

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Z

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I love it. Speaking of math, Karen, what you got for us is.

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Once again Once again, we have a conversation and our conversation completely mirrors what the stats say. Right. So mental health there are there are a few good stats on this one. Mental health professionals claim that women's rage, what we term as rage, is often a combination of exhaustion, grief, overstimulation, hormonal shifts, and unmet needs that are finally

Coming to the surface and demanding attention. Okay. So again, totally reflected in our comments. And and you know, I think it bears mentioning that women perform significantly more emotional labor and invisible household management than men, even in households where both people work. Right. Like it's still the lion's share of the work falls on the women.

And so, you know, it midlife becomes like this tipping point, right? Where years of overfunctioning and caregiving just is no longer sustainable. And therapists often describe it as I describe midlife as identity renegotiation. And I actually really love that term because

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Interesting.

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that's exactly what we're describing, right? It's a renegotiation of

Our workload, our relationships, you know, it's it's we just reached that tipping point that I think Ozzie mentioned where we don't have the energy reserves anymore.

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Yeah.

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Just give a true confession on this on this topic. Love. So it was just Father's Day. I don't know when anyone's listening to this podcast, but it was recently Father's Day. And I have a twenty-three-year-old, a twenty-one year old, and an eleven year old. And it was the first time I did not plan Father's Day. I'm like

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What?

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my problem exactly that I waited this.

I still paid for the groceries, but the older children bought the groceries, cooked the meal, and presented the gifts and cards, etc. I I had to remind my youngest to do something, and she did. But it was the first time that I did not feel that Father's Day was my responsibility.

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'Cause he's not your father.

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My friend my poor friends who are divorced, right, and who have, you know, who are not not you know, who who the father of their children they are no longer in a romantic relationship with ex have this experience of like nobody's helping their kids do Mother's Day, right? Like they don't get Mother's Day and they s you know, I wonder how they feel about Father's Day. I g I think they're probably off the hook for Father's Day, but

As someone who loves my husband and wants him to be celebrated, I've been holding that. Like I've just been holding that unnecessary burden, I think, just for lack of creativity and lack of awareness of like why? Like why can't these kids do that? Like, I still think they're my kids, right? Even though they're technically they're adults and they're certainly capable of

(: 32:28

Yeah.

(: 32:29

that yeah, I do think that eleven year old is an exception to some extent, but it it does beg the question like when was I thinking I was gonna be finally?

(: 32:37

And their frontal lobes are developed, Lori, at age twenty six, twenty-seven. They

(: 32:42

I thought it was

(: 32:43

really become adults. Until then they're still kids. You know, so I I host Father's Day and I have forever. And getting divorced didn't end that because I hosted for my fat you know, it's it's yeah, we we just we do. We just somehow end up with with

a big share of the responsibility and I think it plays into this whole conversation, you know, that invisible labor. Yeah.

(: 33:12

Yeah.

(: 33:13

Yeah Javier just say, I don't wanna

(: 33:16

yeah.

(: 33:17

all the time. Well my problem is that I don't say that often enough. I think I think I need to say that more.

(: 33:26

Do you feel Lori, does that get turned around when it's mother's day? Or is your husband and and this actually goes for all of the ladies who have husbands or partners, are they as supportive in that way, like with the kids making sure mom gets her day as much? Or is it again?

(: 33:42

I I really think people don't understand about men. First of all, they don't have the diffuse awareness as we do to be managing and thinking about all of the emotional labor. And that's not their fault. So I try not to hold that against my husband. At the same time, it does not take the same toll on him. Like to plan a party and make something happen does not take the same toll on him as it does on me. Probably because I'm thinking about all the emotional aspects and he's not.

And also he's got testosterone and lots of oomps and I don't. Right. So it's like cannot

(: 34:12

Really?

(: 34:12

compare, I don't think, a man's experience and a woman's experience and go tit for tat. I think we as women would be much smarter, and this is what I teach my clients who are dating and in relationships, is we'd be much smarter to think how can we ask for things or request things or communicate to our partners what we would like and what we would desire and what would make us happy and peaceful in a way that gets us more of what we want.

with no comparison whatsoever. Really. Yeah. Yeah. Suggest it.

(: 34:38

Be my

and and to do it, Lori, as you said, before we're in that emergency state. Right. That's

(: 34:45

That's

(: 34:46

right. Yeah. Yeah. It's brilliant what Lori said because I was gonna like jump right in and be like, no, my husband is a giver. Like he does the bulk of the cooking, and he, you know, is a very involved father and all the things, right? but to her point, like it takes less of a toll on him. He's not.

sitting there over analyzing what everybody's gonna think about which dish was selected for the five like what no

(: 35:11

Yeah.

(: 35:11

absolutely not. Yeah,

(: 35:13

I like that!

(: 35:15

yeah, yeah. No. No. So yeah, it is very different. Yeah.

(: 35:18

workloads for

that is crazy. Do y'all think that it becomes there can become a point when protecting our peace just becomes like this it's either healthy boundary setting or does it become isolation? Can we take it too far? Or we're like, I gotta protect my peace. I'm, you know, just gonna always be like that. Does it do we take it too far?

(: 35:40

That's what I see a lot with the clients I work with, the women that are starting to date, that they've gone to the the the other extreme of setting boundaries, of not accepting certain things. They get out of dodge, in my opinion, way too soon. They

(: 35:53

Yeah.

(: 35:54

didn't they haven't given guys a chance. Now, granted, there's the red flags and there's there's all the stuff, right? There's all the stuff. But because the past has been giving, giving, not taking care, getting our needs met, not being able to express what we want.

Then it's like, well, I'm gonna get my needs met and I'm gonna have my healthy boundaries, but they're not so healthy. They're actually coming from a shadowy place of I really need something different now, but it's coming out sideways. So I I really think that

(: 36:22

Yeah. There is too far. Yeah.

(: 36:25

how

(: 36:27

Good thing to pay attention to. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for those stats, Karen. We are obviously right in line with all of that. We're perfect. my God.

(: 36:36

Normal.

(: 36:39

All right, ladies. We are on to our favorite segment. It is our legs wide open segment. Ladies, get out your paddles today. Today's game is called Nope, absolutely not, or yes, I'm still willing to do that. Okay, so this is how it works. I'm gonna read a situation. You guys are gonna answer using your paddles. Thumbs up means you're still fine with it. It doesn't really bother you, no big deal.

Thumbs down means absolutely not. I have zero tolerance left for this. This is a hard pass. Okay. So no overthinking, let's try just do our first instinct. I know that's difficult for us, but our first instinct, all right?

(: 37:19

Andrea, can I just encourage folks who are listening, if you're not on YouTube, go over to YouTube so you can participate in this game and watch. And if you are on YouTube, if you are on YouTube, comment along, right? Like tell us. Are you with us? Are you against like where do you land? What are you yes? We want to know if once again, if we're normal. No, if it's

(: 37:40

Yeah, but the answer

(: 37:40

Yeah.

(: 37:42

to that already.

(: 37:44

All right.

(: 37:45

Ladies, lightning round. Here we go. Okay, it's gonna be thumbs up that yes, you are still good with it, or a thumbs down, hail to the no. Okay, I gotta make sure I have it right. Okay. So number one, being added to a group text with more than six people. I don't like

(: 38:03

Come on.

(: 38:04

You're still in on that?

(: 38:06

Is like just tune it out. And I'm like, I can tune it out. I can tune

(: 38:11

I wanted

permission first before

(: 38:15

yeah.

(: 38:15

Here we go.

(: 38:16

I could turn off the dame.

(: 38:19

well let's just be clear, nobody does put me on those threads because I have no

(: 38:25

And

(: 38:26

So this is actually NA for me.

(: 38:29

to be fair, we we numbered that exactly six people. So we're fine with us six. It's anything beyond us, not Allen.

(: 38:36

Beyond

can't do better.

(: 38:38

All

right. Answering a phone call without a text warning first. I'm fine with that. I don't like it.

(: 38:44

Dear

Gen X, we love phone calls. Stop it. Answering a phone call.

(: 38:50

I don't like when you get up the nerve to say something on text and then all of a sudden they're calling you back and you're like, no. Why are they calling? LA that part. Yeah, yeah.

(: 38:59

yeah.

(: 39:01

All right.

(: 39:02

Calling 'cause you shouldn't have texted it. That's why

(: 39:05

Exactly right. I should have called in the first place. We've established lessons. All right. hosting every holiday gathering. Are you still up for that or down for that? I don't really know. Every Ozzy loves.

(: 39:18

I really hosting.

(: 39:18

Yeah.

(: 39:20

Pross.

(: 39:21

It's my it's what remember my love language is collaboration. But I don't do it alone. I will

(: 39:27

I w I

(: 39:28

I don't do any hosting alone anymore. I will ask for help. Yes, I will my boys help. My friends come and help. It's a group effort, but I love hosting.

(: 39:39

That's a collaboration. It's your favorite.

(: 39:42

Well, I

(: 39:43

I think a lot of us probably like it. It's when it goes to an extreme where

(: 39:47

Yeah.

(: 39:48

it's like it's it's more of a burden on on us than on other people. You know, that's where it tips the lo you know, tips the balance. Yeah. If I had to do it alone, no way. But I usually do to post all the holidays here 'cause yeah. Anyway.

(: 40:02

Yeah. Okay. Next one, listening to someone complain repeatedly about a problem they refuse to solve.

(: 40:09

I didn't

(: 40:12

and I

(: 40:15

Just put it in a comment, we'll see how you

(: 40:17

You know, it's like

(: 40:23

Did I just not complain? I'm already no. We're there.

(: 40:26

Even if you

(: 40:27

Pay me.

(: 40:28

Even if you pay me. Exactly. Exactly, Ozzie.

(: 40:32

Which is funny that y'all have clients that come to you. So

(: 40:38

I bypass the complaints and go directly to the route. They don't even have a chance to continue the the Nice. They'll try. But

(: 40:47

It's nice.

(: 40:48

I will point it out. Mirror. Mirror, mirror, mirror,

(: 40:48

Nice.

(: 40:51

mirror. You really want. Yeah.

(: 40:52

Yeah. We

want thumbs up or thumbs down. Small talk at a party with strangers. I don't mind that.

(: 40:59

I'm good with that.

I'm getting better at it. I don't like enough work.

(: 41:05

Small I mean,

are we small talking or are we saying what's important to you in your life right now? And going like what what are you doing with your vagina?

(: 41:13

How deep to go. Are those conversations you're having with

(: 41:16

I mean

I'm not gonna be Yeah,

(: 41:17

Bored. I'm not gonna be bored if I'm gonna

(: 41:19

I used to say I I didn't like small talk, but I think there was something there for me, right? That I don't know, felt insecure or going deep made me fet feel more for me to feel more comfortable, right? Like I I it I made it an intention to get better at small talk party. Yeah. But it doesn't mean for me that I have to have a deep conversation with you. I just don't enjoy small talk. Like to me it's like like the niceties fine.

But when you start to just talk about nothing that like matters to me in the world, like I just I shut down. I'm just like, okay, I'm bored.

(: 41:53

Right.

(: 41:54

But but the middle but there's a middle ground, right? Like there I I agree with you, Don. I I don't think it has to be this deep thing. Like you just don't know people enough to to to go deep that quick. But it just needs to matter. Like I just feel like the the like it sh it needs to be at one step like in the middle of that.

(: 42:11

So my question there is, Lori, is talking vaginas, is that deep talk or surface level?

(: 42:16

I think that's more like your

(: 42:17

That's depends where

(: 42:21

fifth question once you've felt somebody out, not your first question.

(: 42:24

I

think I think maybe it's a good thing that Lori has a fear of going out.

(: 42:30

I embarrass everybody. It's it's a problem.

(: 42:33

Model joke.

(: 42:34

That was the Cham joke, I remember.

She gets stuck in the folds, but I kinda meant like a vagina has so many layers.

(: 42:44

You have to explain the joke, you're done.

(: 42:47

I feel like I need to explain the vagina. There's so much going on there.

(: 42:52

We got

(: 42:52

Exactly.

(: 42:52

we we got it's another episode for us.

(: 42:56

Okay. yes, Plans

(: 42:56

Alright.

(: 42:59

the Vagina, episode thirty-seven. That's a spiritual

(: 43:03

Yeah.

(: 43:04

I am there for that.

(: 43:06

This is what it looks like.

(: 43:08

I

do I want to hear the anatomy I

(: 43:11

Now

we're going to open our legs. Wide open.

(: 43:17

I wanna hear the anatomy of the vagina. The

(: 43:20

I'm

Andrea's specific. They're not attracted in my opinion. But I'm not a lesbian, so what am I gonna say? That's why.

(: 43:26

no, no controversy. Controversy. Let's take a

(: 43:30

To our own episode, please. The vagina

topic.

(: 43:39

Don't be a pussy.

(: 43:43

All right. Woo! That went crazy. I'm sorry, people. I know. I took it down too

(: 43:51

Yeah.

(: 43:53

All right. having house guests stay longer than three nights. That's too long. Wait, too long. Too long. Too long.

(: 44:01

Depends who can depend who depends on what's going on.

(: 44:07

That's a good point too. Where are they staying? I'm in a one bedroom apartment. Are they in my bed with me? Too long. Too long. Okay.

(: 44:14

That's too long. Yeah. If someone

who I can be like my full on self with zero bumps in the road and we can like climb into bed together and it's like easy, easy, easy, then like three three nights is not enough. Like say, yeah.

(: 44:28

That must be your human design because I can't relate to that no matter how much I love you.

(: 44:33

Wait, maybe How

many days are we gonna be together? How many nights are we gonna be together?

(: 44:39

Three nights.

(: 44:40

Three. Three nine. So we're perfect. We're under three hours.

(: 44:43

Under the wire, y'all. We know ourselves. We know ourselves.

(: 44:47

Okay, we got three more quick ones. What do we got here? this is for Lori. Being touched or interrupted the second you walk through the door. Do you love that, Lori?

(: 44:55

You love that.

(: 44:57

Well that's why it's it's easier.

(: 44:59

But

(: 45:02

I mean

if he if he's the hot man, yeah.

(: 45:05

Touch me, touch me all over. Yeah. If it's not the dog. No.

(: 45:09

Take me.

(: 45:09

Yeah.

(: 45:12

Throw me against the wall. But you know okay, I you know how head over heels I am with Michael. I freaking friggin' love him. And if you're watching this, honey, I've never shared this with you. We could talk. We love you. He loves and I love to make out. He loves and I love to do the French kissing. But when I'm in a certain place and I like like energetically need to arrive.

I don't want a tongue in my mouth. I need you know it's like I

(: 45:42

Andrew.

(: 45:43

No took.

(: 45:44

And it's happened. Where it's like, whoa, too much. Like like I need some space here. So it you know, it's depends on the moment.

(: 45:52

Because Juni came to my son's concert in New York with Michael. And I remember at one point Grant was up there doing his thing and I was like about to look at you, like, do you see him? And I try and and I think Michael had just grabbed your face back. And you

(: 46:07

yeah.

(: 46:11

Different.

(: 46:12

Rajer.

(: 46:14

99

(: 46:21

He likes her.

(: 46:22

nine percent of the time it's amazing, but there are those moments and that's that's what we're talking about. It's like not not right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

(: 46:32

Next one. Responding immediately to text. Is that still a good thing? Do you feel the need to do that? I feel the need quite often. I do. Or to say something, to acknowledge my mom.

(: 46:47

It feels situational. Situational.

(: 46:49

Yeah. Often by the end of my day, there's such a backlog. Like I need to take a shower, eat some dinner, and then like sit down and, you know, thoughtfully respond. I think I used to respond way more immediately. And it wasn't from a grounded place or a thoughtful place. It was just sort of firing something off and then things would slip between the cracks. So, you know, maybe there's there are times where I think I'm like coaching myself into.

Let's be a little more responsive, but I really try to balance that with Am I in my body before I do it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm the same. I take a breath and I'm like, am I do I have the capacity to respond now or can I can I just take care of myself? Same thing with phone calls. Like if I get a phone call and it's someone that I know that is either demands a lot from me, I will take a I I'll take a breath and I'll just ask myself, Am I do I have the capacity? And if the answer is I list you know, if the answer is no and if I could muscle test, I probably

(: 47:45

There they go.

(: 47:46

A

lot of notes. Yeah. And then I'll either say it, say a text, hey, I'm in the middle of something, I'll get back to you, or or I just get back to them when I'm ready. Like I just I but I used to out of people pleasing. Yeah. There was an urgency to have to respond because if I didn't respond, then I then then you know I might might miss something. you are a bad girl. Right. I often though give myself buckets of permission because

Merely twenty years ago, it wasn't th we didn't all have iPhones in our pocket unless you had an

(: 48:19

didn't hear immediately.

(: 48:22

iPhone and a beeper or whatever, or like an answering machine or call waiting. I don't know. Like we were not this on demand. And why do

(: 48:32

It's crazy.

(: 48:33

we We remember in our bodies what it felt like to not have to be so on demand. We didn't just listen

(: 48:43

In the window.

(: 48:47

Yeah. Remember when we used to stalk? No, I'm just kidding.

(: 48:51

We stocked in real life. IRL?

(: 48:55

is that wrong? No. Okay. All right.

(: 48:59

I mean I've had a a a good handful of clients that would tell me that they would dri get in the car and drive and stock their their signature and I'd be like, What are you doing? What are you doing? What what what are you going to get out of that?

(: 49:11

Yeah, that's all.

(: 49:13

You're

looking for something, you'll find it. Yep. Yep.

(: 49:17

That. Okay, last one. Admitting that sometimes you simply need everyone just to leave

(: 49:23

Beautiful.

(: 49:24

alone.

(: 49:26

Yeah we are.

(: 49:31

Boundary self care survival

(: 49:36

We're in such alliance lady. All has to go with that. my gosh. I that was a really great episode because I love talking about that. And we want to even dig deeper into people pleasing, which I know we have a great, great episode on people pleasing because we all do it. We're all guilty of it. And we're all trying to get a little bit better about not doing that. So make sure to check that out as well.

Okay, ladies. Well, you know, to the listeners out there, have you found yourself suddenly irritated by people, obligations, or situations that maybe never used to bother you? Send us a DM or a voice note, share your story. We may feature your response in an upcoming episode. We love to hear from you guys. Just like

(: 50:16

We've been getting some mail, right? And it's so

(: 50:19

It's so exciting because it's shocking what people are going through. And sometimes it's shocking for us too. We're like, like that's a great topic.

(: 50:28

We're we're slotting some of these topics into our next seasons. Yeah. We very

(: 50:37

If you have something you want to talk to us about, you can shoot us an email at menopauselovelounge at gmail.com. Very, very simple, or find us at menopause Love Lounge everywhere. All right. Well, that's all we've got for this week, ladies. What a great time it was with each of you. I've tolerated each and every one of you to do with ease. Tolerate

(: 50:58

Yeah.

(: 51:01

All right, guys, that's it for the Love Lunch. We'll you guys next week. Have a great one. Bye.